


Not enough

by hazzard



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, don't be mad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 16:19:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14084790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazzard/pseuds/hazzard
Summary: He wasn't enough. Never would be.





	Not enough

The last time he’d died it’d been quick. **  
**

The last time, she hadn’t had time to prepare. He’d died and she’d turned even colder than she’d already been, something she never thought would’ve been possible. And then, suddenly, he hadn’t been dead. When Fury had came to her door to deliver the news, she’d been the typical ice queen. The agent. Mission heard, mission taken.

But ever since that moment, since that moment she’d seen his back for the first time since before the funeral, nothing had been ice anymore.

A part of her was deathly afraid for his sake. And a another part of her, the selfish part, was deathly afraid for her own. Ever since he’d been alive again, her ice had been melting. She had a team, a family, now, and she was well aware that it was all thanks to him. What would she be once he wasn’t there anymore? She’d go back to her cubicle, to her structured and impossibly lonely existence. Once he’d stop living, she knew she’d stop living right beside him.

He was not allowed to die.

 

He didn’t own much. He barely owned anything. Some money, an apartment in New York, his mother’s home. A little sum of money he’d saved up. _Lola_. A mountain of collectibles. It was nothing, really. And once he went over his wealth, he realized how little he really had. How little he would leave behind. How few people who even knew his previous funeral wouldn’t be his only one.

The team would get everything. Fitzsimmons would get his mother’s home. Daisy would get the apartment. Mack would get Lola. Yoyo would get his money for building new arms. Deke would get to go through the rest and take what he wanted and leave the things he didn’t want to Piper (he was still a little pissed at her for the whole betrayal thing).

And May…

He stopped, pen in hand, mid-sentence.

He had no idea. He had no idea about what to leave her. Nothing was enough. Nothing would ever be enough.

He wrote her a message on a piece of paper, put in an envelope, wrote ‘May’ on it and attached it to the will. Then he got up and pulled out the secret compartment in his desk.

It wouldn’t be enough. But nothing ever would be.

 

He was hiding something from her. Of course he was, he was dying and he refused to tell her anything, refused to share his fears, his wishes, his… But there was something else, too. He hadn’t looked her in the eyes for a couple of days now and she knew.

She took a deep breath.

He would be so angry with her. He’d probably hate her. But it didn’t matter. Right now, it didn’t matter at all.

She bit her lip and busted in the door.

 

He stopped in the doorway, and once his brain has registered what he was seeing, he lowered his gun.

His office looked like a crime scene. Every drawer was pulled out, every cabinet opened. Papers and files were laying all over the floor.

May was sitting in a corner, with empty eyes, clutching a paper tightly in her hands.

His heart stopped.  _No, no, no, don’t say it’s the… No, no, no, please, no…._

He walked into the room and put the gun on his desk. The he walked as close to her as he dared and sat down.

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

His voice was barely a whisper and she didn’t react.

“I’m sorry, I-”

“What the fuck is this, Phil?” She turned to him, her shoulders tight and the words spitted out through gritted teeth.

He didn’t dare to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“Stop!” She threw the will on the ground and the noise made him jump in his skin. “Stop with that bullshit, Phil! Just stop!” She was shaking from head to toe. “I don’t want your fucking apologizes.” She was fuming, he could feel all the way to his corner. “You were hiding things from me. You haven’t stopped hiding things from me and now-” She picked up the papers again. “Now I find this.”

He looked at her. “I’m…” He stopped himself just in time and tried to find the right words. “I was thinking about what to leave you but nothing seemed to be enough so I just…”

She stared at him for half a second and then she let out a little laugh. “You think that’s it? You think my  _feelings_  are hurt because I’m not included in your will?” She paused. “I don’t give a  _damn_  about your will, Coulson.”

He knew he shouldn’t ask. “What- What is it then?”

She stood up. He was quickly to follow. He wanted to be on her level in case she would start kicking his ass.

She crossed her arms. “You left me a letter.”

He froze. “You read that?!”

“It was dedicated to me.”

Anger started rising up in his chest. “It was very clearly stated that the letter should remain unopened until my lawyer comes and goes over everything-”

“You think I care?”

He mumbled half into the ground. “Well, obviously not, and I shouldn’t be surprised, since you have no respect for institutions or…”

“What was that?” He looked up and she was close. Real close. He could feel her breath on his face. He was surprised it hadn’t burned him up. Or made a move to kill him.

“You had  _no right_  to do that.”

He blinked at her, dumbfounded. “What?”

Her breathing was short and her pupils dilated, her body stiff and rigid. “You had no right to write that to me and only let me read it after-”

He pushed back. “What? After I’m gone?” He shook his head and smiled. “You know what, May, I’m getting a  _little_  tired of you telling me how I should handle my death or the aftermath. It’s  _my_  death. It’s  _me_  who has to leave everything behind, it’s  _me_  who has to leave-” He leaned in closer. “ _-every_ …” His head was pounding. “ _-single…_ ” His arms were vibrating and three seconds from striking out. “ _-person…_ ” His hot cheeks turned cold with his tears. “ _-in…_ ”

They were so close now, their foreheads were almost touching. He continued. She took a step back. “ _-this world…_ ” He took another step, she backed up. “- _that I…_ ” He took three steps and she folded. “ _-care…_ ” Her back hit the wall. “ _…about._ ”

She was completely still. Her nonchalance made the fire inside him grow tenfold. ““The letter is not yours to read yet! You’re not dying! It’s not you who’s dying! It’s not  _you_ , May!” He grabbed her by her shoulders with shaking hands and threw her back into the wall. “ _It-_ ” Grabbed her closer. “ _-is.._ ” Threw her back. “ _-not…_ ” Grabbed her, threw her. “ _-YOU_.”

“Let her go.”

He stopped in his tracks. 

Daisy stood by the desk, his gun in her hand, pointing at his chest.

He woke up from his trance, his hands on May’s shoulders softening. “H-How long have you been standing there?”

Daisy took a firmer grip on the gun. “Long enough. Back away, Coulson.”

He took a step back with legs that would barely support him. He didn’t even have a chance to look at May before she was gone out the door.

His knees turned to jello and he slid down to the floor.  What had he done?  _What had he done?_

He felt a warm body against his, hands soothing his trembling limbs. “Schh, Coulson. It’ll be okay.” Daisy leaned her head against his arm and he felt his sleeve getting wet. He himself was hulking like a child, snot flying everywhere.

“I…”

“Schhh... It’ll be okay.”

They sat like that for what felt like hours, both of their bodies twitching of the crying.

When they stilled, Daisy took a firmer grip on his arm. “That letter… “ She paused. “You wrote that you love her, didn’t you?”

 _Yes._  But it didn’t matter. It wasn’t enough. Nothing ever would be.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ...SORRY!!!
> 
> (not sorry.)
> 
> love & hugs


End file.
